forgiveness...

lately i've been harboring a lot of anger & resentment. i was hurt, deeply, and the person who hurt me still does not realize the magnitude or depth of this hurt i'm carrying around inside of me. it has all but ruined the relationship, not just what happened, but my ongoing reaction to it, and neither of us have been able to admit our ations have caused such pains, nor forgive one another.

the roots of unforgiveness are pride, complacency, arrogance, ego and conceit. refusing to forgive can make you pay the price over and over by bringing anger and bitterness into every facet of your life. my instinct is to recoil in self-protection when i'm injured. i don't naturally overflow with mercy, grace or forgiveness when i've been wronged. i'm quick to counter and aim to cut as deep as i've been cut. it seems the deeper the bonds of love and intimacy, the sharper the pain of the offense. i am also quick to place blame and fault on others and not myself.

forgiveness means overlooking others transgressions and restoring a bond of love & trust. it does not mean justifying the offensive action or accepting it as right, nor does it mean justifying one’s own anger or reaction, but the longer we nurture the anger the more deeply the resentment takes hold in our heart. i get stuck in a rut of blame, rarely admitting my own faults in the situation. fear-based love is conditional and creates an atmosphere of distrust, dishonesty and instability. unconditional love is patient and kind and forgiving. i'd like to believe that what we have is unconditional, but i am struggling to know this in my heart. instead of being the victim i am trying to forgive myself for my part, only then can i forgive someone else.

a friend directed me to aura joon's blog post today about fault. it was enlightening, honest, and introspective and it gave me peace of mind this afternoon.